Monday, April 30, 2012

#29 Post-Partum Depression

So it has been just about 18 months since I had my baby girl.  During the first year I suffered from post-partum depression.  To help me cope, I wrote.  This is something I wrote while depressed. This is not like my usual funny posts. It's a serious one.  I feel that it should be read by others so other new mom's will know the real story of depression after baby.  Just a warning....for those of you that may actually personally know me, please don't be offended by anything I wrote. I was not in a good place...and THANK GOD I'm better now!
not even coffee made me happy :(

What they don't tell mom's dirty little secret
Why did people not tell me how crappy the first few months are after having a baby? Did they think that it would scare me off to having kids? (they would be correct) Did they just not have as bad a time than I did? Or did they just forget? I vow to NEVER forget.

Yes I am going to have more children, so don't go thinking i will be done with this one...although if I could guarantee my daughter not growing up to be a brat or lonely i would totally stop at one. But I'm beginning to think that this is a dirty little secret that new moms don't want to let others know because in some way they are bad people for feeling it.

Well screw it. I'm going to say it. When my baby was born Nov 3rd, 2010 at 8:44pm, the first thought I had other than 'Holy crap my undercarriage has been set on fire and there will be nothing left!' Was 'THANK GOD ITS OVER!' Apparently I said something else out loud that was more on the lines of cutesy 'i can't believe she's mine' sigh. Roll the eyes.

When I was in the hospital it was fine other than dealing with my parents who were pissed that they missed the birth of their grand baby because I didn't call them fast enough to drive 13hrs and be there when she popped out...It was when I got home that it set in. The first 2 weeks were hard but we had people coming over and feeding us and visiting. But then they stopped coming. We were left with just me, hubby, who went back to work and this stranger that would not stop crying, pooping, eating, sleeping....every 2 hrs.

Since the hubby went back to work, it was just me and my daughter. An isolation set in. Like this dark cave that you can't see the light of day and have no concept of time anymore. Was it morning? Evening? When did I eat last? Have I showered this week? Is my baby sleeping or did she get SIDS?! oh she moved....ok she's sleeping....

Slowly I began to loose myself. My hobbies, my style, my dreams....gone. Nothing but a shell of a person who has now become a human cow quite literally.

People would call now and then or we would see my husbands' family or a few of my close friends and they would ask me how it's going....I was never fully truthful with them. I would always say it's fine or 'Its Going!' One time i opened up to some of my close girlfriends and they acted like I was crazy for not adoring my beautiful baby girl. So I stopped opening up to them.

I would just cry some days....just cry. I was so tired. A numbness came over me....I felt indifferent to everything. nothing really mattered. My job was to be this girl's mother and this man's wife. Period. I talked with my husband about it sometimes but not in detail. I would say, dont' worry I'll be fine. It's just a stage, a season.... and it was for the most part.

As my girl got older, some things got better. As she started smiling at me then giggling I would get happy again. She started to respond to me and slowly stole my heart. About 3 months later I started to really feel love for my baby. That thing some new mom's say was instant they set eyes on their kiddo....yeah, it wasn't the case with me. The kicker is that I seriously lucked out with my baby. She's happy, smiling, laughs all the time, wants to play by herself and is so beautiful I can't believe it. She goes to bed at 7:30pm and wakes up at 6:30 with no interruptions...and yet... it's still there. That numbness. It seeps in sometimes. There will be days that she will fuss or play or whatever and I just want to scream and go take a nap....or I'll just hold her and stare at a wall feeling nothing.

They call it the baby blues...what a nice name for such a horrible feeling. My baby is turning 9 months tomorrow and it feels like I've come a long way since the beginning....but i still feel like I have so far to go. I will beat this, whatever it is. And my daughter will only know that her mother loves her more than life itself. Even though she feel dead inside.

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

#28 You put de cream in de coconut and drink dem bot up

COFFEE REVIEW DAY!!!!  Can I tell you how much I love coffee? Please? It actually has a physical effect on me...I think it's because I have an unhealthy addiction to it :) I'm actually serious...I drink WAY too much coffee. Well Monday I decided I really needed to run the coffee pot through the dishwasher since it had been a while since I really REALLY washed it...gross I know...leave me alone.Well I ended up not brewing any coffee OR buying any coffee since I didn't leave the premises of my home (Laundry and yard work day joy of joys) I had the most amazing headache all day. ALL FREAKIN' DAY! I tried as many pills that the doctor on the bottle recommended to no avail. Plus I was nauseous from combo of the coffee* the day before and weight watchers.  And NO I'm NOT PREGO! For the love why do you always assume I'm prego every time I'm sick!?!? :)

*Side Note:  I ran out of the coffee I am reviewing today so we combined it with some leftover 8O'clock that I should have thrown out after this review. Hubs unknowingly ground some and added it to the remaining pot. We felt sick ALL DAY. Stomaco no bueno y duele mucho. Check yeah I wrote espanol people. BOOMO.

So lesson I learned: Never stop drinking coffee, and never drink anything with a time on it's title :)


I title this:
You put de cream in de coconut and drink dem bot up...

The mug of choice if from my College days at you can see the mug is very worn! That was the best side that wasn't totally rubbed off. Glad to see my college produces quality products that last... ha.  I do miss my college days a bit. I was on the track team...I BET YOU WILL NEVER GUESS WHAT I DID!?!??!  I'll give you a hint... I had to wear special shoes for the 3 different events I did...
Well I let you know at the end of this blog :) Now, ON TO THE COFFEE!!!  

like my nails? that's how i roll
I bought a 12 oz package of Spice exchange Hawaiian Coconut medium roast at Marshalls (again) for $4.99!! I thought, if it was craptastic, at least it would be cheap! But it was so NOT craptastic! It was quite yummy! Not as potent as the last coffee I brewed, but it had a hint of coconut that made the whole thing just yummy yummy.  I really should go back to Marshalls and see if they have any more. I checked out the website on the package, but it looks like they don't make this coffee anymore. SAD FACE.

And what is the Jess Rating?
Two thumbs enthusiastically up! Drink em if you got em!

And what am I thankful for today?

Fond Memories

I love looking back through old photos of fun times.  It makes me wish for those times again, but then I remember that my life is pretty awesome(totally bragging) and I would HATE HATE HATE to be single again. haha stupid dating. People are dumb. lol  
So what events did I do in College?

me and my girls at JCCC :)
My sis and I did it one year together!
Any guesses yet? UMKC crew
I was a thrower!!!!  Hammer was my fav


Regionals third in Hammer :)

Friday, April 13, 2012

#27 No Drama Mama

I love it when people say they don't want any drama and yet they are the exact reason there is drama in the world.  

I mean, drama can actually be a good thing. I enjoyed seeing Wicked for my B-day; great musical! I hear Mad Men is a good show; with costumes to die for(minus the adulterous men & women running rampant). I even have degree from college in the dramatic arts... B.A. in theater...or THEATRE if you want to get fancy..and yes that is an actual degree and YES I have used it in the real world for a REAL job that paid me REAL money (lighting designer BOOM so shut it ). The dramatic arts are a wonderful thing when used for good.  BUT WHEN USED FOR EVIL.......  (spoken in loud theater announcer voice...male) DISASTER BEYOND YOUR IMAGINATION WILL OCCUR!!!!(in phantom of the opera voice) DUN DUN DUHHHHHH!!!!!

I have on occasion been the one to "stir the pot" if you will. *GASP* I KNOW! not ME!?!? yes. me.  I was  very young so I chalking it up to teenage hormones and plain stupidity.  Yes. That was it.... There was an incident where I got a dead bird and put it in a boy's locker as a JOKE haha JOKE! and when I told my friends they all acted like I was NUTS and berated me about what a WEIRDO I was and HOW COULD I DO SUCH A GROSS THING??? So being the not easily swayed girl that I was, I immediately took it out of his locker before he came because I didn't want to be known as the weird bird girl! I was known for the family nick name Tinker Cow instead...MUCH better.  And the whole reason I even thought to do such a thing was because all the girls loved HATED this boy and we were all "pranking" each other.  At "war:" if you will. Stupid teenagers. and YES That was REALLY WEIRD AND GROSS and I can't believe I even thought to do that... like a crazy person or something. Again...crazy teenager hormones...yes yes yes.

As I have gotten older, my brain has regained consciousness and my sanity has come back to me...mostly...  I think that's why I love a simple cup of coffee. There's no drama. It's yummy, it give me a caffeine boost, and it doesn't try to get me to join their crusade of hating tea.

Instead I have joined a crusade to hate fat...I have joined weight watchers...dear lord give me strength!

Ps my coffee is only 2 points!!!

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

#26 Patriotic Beanies and Such

I know it also feels like I haven't reviewed a coffee in ages and that's just silly....3 weeks is not AGES. 

I title this one:
Beanies are BACK baby!

First I want to say that after looking at this picture....I'm going on a diet. Tomorrow. For REAL. The double chin flapping at me is distracting.  Second, my mug is this high tech plastic mug from the air force. It's pretty nifty. No I am not in the air force or have immediate family in the air force...but I feel like I'm supporting them every time I take a sip...Hubby got it back when we were living in Colorado at some convention or something....*sigh*

ANYWHO I'm Über patriotic...actually not as patriotic as these guys.... 
Well ok I might wear that outfit to a Halloween party or something.... but I think you get my point! I actually don't ever let my American flag touch the ground. and Instead of disposing of my old flags that have torn or just worn out, I hang them in my garage because i don't think you should throw them out...I think there's a law or something against that? right?  So what I am trying to say is I support the Troops! haha! 

Now. The Coffee.
I found this coffee at Marshalls.  lol I know, MARSHALLS!!!  It's Beanies Amaretto Almond Roast & Ground Flavour Coffee. It was $5.99 for 4.4 it's a little more expensive than the normal fare I buy.  So worth it though. This stuff is DELICIOUS! I thought I was drinking something high calorie it was so good.  Apparently this coffee in made in the UK. lol So much for my patriotic theme! But since those guys are tea experts, how could they not make good coffee?! I've drank this several different ways...
  • Black:  Yummy with strong amaretto aroma. Not very bitter. Smooth.
  • With creamer and sugar: OMG my mouth is in heaven! Decadent! I am drinking a dessert!
  • Brewed with an unflavored coffee: Lovely. Tastes like a yummy flavored coffee that is not too strong.

So all around this coffee rocks my face off. I just wish I had more of it.

Jess Rating?
Crazy awesome you have to go and buy this NOW!!!

And what am I thankful for today?

The ability to read.

I just finished the Hunger Games Trilogy ( one week, 3 books!) and it was so so so good.  The fact you are reading this right now...AREN'T YOU SO THANKFUL!? lol 

here's a little parody of the hunger games. hilarious.


Saturday, April 7, 2012

#25 Tebow and Jesus sitting on a hill....

So I realize that I have neglected this blog for almost 2 weeks...GOOD LORD HAS IT REALLY BEEN 2 WEEKS?!?! I know most of you could care less and are mildly amused that you have ANOTHER blog to read, but sheesh, 2 weeks?  BLOG FAIL. Honestly I have gotten so much business from saying I will photography people now instead of inadament objects that it has consumed almost all my free time...AND SOME COFFEE TIME!!! insanity. I. know. it has to STOP! ok not really becuase i am actually getting paid REAL money for the photos, so I won't stop taking them...but maybe i can manage my time a little better? yes? I think so!

So the big news of the day is that Tim Tebow is coming to my church for our Easter service!  For those of you who are unaware of whom Tim Tebow is, he was the rock star quarterback for the Broncos (a football team for those of you who REALLY are out of the loop) who was just traded to the Jets.  He is also a very devote Christian.  Apparently he just called up our pastors and said he wanted to speak at our church...which of course my pastor said YES to. Here's a little clip from the news:

So as I'm looking through stories for today on the various news sites, since this has been a newsworthy topic seeing how Easter is tomorrow and Tebow is all over the news from the trade, all I am seeing in the comments is HATE. People being rude, mean, and outright jerks.  Here are some fun examples I have just pulled. I decided to have fun with my retorts...

Tom Brumfield ·  Top Commenter
I have lived in Texas, they certainly have 20,000 retards available.

Wow really dude? So you're coming too?! HA. My down syndrome brother has more class than you.  

DJcamp 07:44 AM
Apr 7, 2012

This guy is going to be a better cult leader than a QB......

Because that can be the only reason why a bunch of people would want to hear hi,m speak...CULT OF TEBOW UNITE!!!

mullman7675 says:Apr 6, 2012 12:16 PM
Tebow will be featured in the center ring, clowns coming out of small cars in the left and the bearded lady will steal the show from the third ring. The circus is in town people, make sure you get your tickets early…

So Easter service featuring a guest speaker is now a circus... bring on the popcorn

pantherpro says:Apr 6, 2012 12:45 PM
What a pathetic place to live. With a moron for a Govenor what would you expect from these hillbillies?
What's a GO VE NOR? And YES my husband IS my cousin! You got us PEGGED!
pray in secret, not as the hypocrites do...praying in public isn't about ones devotion to god, but a concern of how others feel about is a grandstanding thing, a prideful thing...not a "GODLY" thing....but there is always a false prophet to tell people like tebow he is doing "god's work"....these people are in it for themselves, not GOD...but they want to bask in the glory that Gods name shadows them with....god doesn't have a true is a spiritual thing.

WHAAAAAAT?????? Dear sweet Jesus is this why everyone hates us?
23 minutes ago (12:58 PM)
When fascism comes to America it will be wrapped in the flag, a football shirt and carrying a cross.

Oh don't forget we will all have guns too!
37 minutes ago (12:45 PM)
Pray away the gay TIM, that's why Denver really dumped you,RIGHT.

I thought we couldn't say "gay" anymore?
12 hours ago ( 1:03 AM)
religion is for brainwashing simple minded suckers.......

Hmmmm I didn't realize that doctors, teachers, nurses, engineers, bioware software writers  etc. were simple minded people...silly me! I must be simple minded!

Oh I could go on and on, but the fun must end ;) Bottom line is best said by my pastor:

“Obviously it’s our Super Bowl,” said Joe Champion, pastor at the Celebration Church. “Easter is the resurrection of Christ, which we celebrate in our faith. We feel like it’s going to be a testimony to the community. We want it to be a family event.”

“There will be the sacredness of Easter. It’s not a Tim Tebow show. It’s not about a celebrity. There’s really only one celebrity that we are going to honor and highlight,” added Pastor Champion.
So regardless of what your beliefs are, just remember, all things in LOVE.  When anger and hate gets mixed in it causes nothing but yuckiness and skews what is supposed to be a beautiful thing. Nobody's perfect. We all mess up and make idiots of ourselves (Tom Brumfield )  Just remember the golden rule treat others like how you want to be treated.  Simple. Easy.
And you better believe I will be waiting in line to load up on a bus to drive me to the hill with blankets, burritos and my family in tow to celebrate the Resurrection of Jesus. HECK YEAH. What's Easter morning without a little breakfast burrito? Mmmmmm mmmmm!

Check out easteronthehill to find out about it!